Sea of Spiders

Well my extended weekend was a voyage into Hell. Literally. Well...maybe not literally, as I didn't actually go to Hell, but I did happen to go somewhere that is very much like what I imagine Hell to be. The Sea of Spiders.

Getting a guide who was willing to take me out into the sea was hard, as many knew their limitations, and this far exceeded them. I finally met Gord, a local who had braved the Sea many times. He was willing to take me out in exchange for marriage with my first born daughter.

"Marriage? The hell with that. You can just have her." And so I handed over my good-for-nothing daughter Sassy to Gord, and I officially had a guide.

The first day, we set out from the Bay of Widows, where Gord told me a funny joke about spiders that I can't remember (I was surprised at what a good sense of humor he had). It was a little bizarre to be rowing a boat in a sea in which there was no water, but only spiders. Everytime we lifted the oar, thousands of spiders would fall from it. Many tried to crawl into the boat, but Gord apparantly had some sort of chemical around the perimeter of the boat that prevented them from actually wanting to enter the boat.

"Have you ever seen anyone die out here?" I asked.

"Of course," he said in a tone that suggested that it was the most ridiculous question he'd ever been asked. "My first wife, Margie. My second wife, Linda. My third wife, Betty-Ann. My fourth wife, Linda II. My first husband, Ted. My fifth wife, Giggles. My brother, Boris. My sister, Gordette. My father. My mother. My fist dog, Rex. My second dog, Crunchy. My first and second ferrets, Furg and Burg. My third grade teacher, Mrs. Teacherson."

"You can probably stop right there."

"A lot of people die out here, friend. I've seen them all die. Tell me, what brings you out here?"

I hadn't thought about that, really. I looked around me, to the bajilions of spiders that surrounded us. I shrugged and looked back at Gord.

"You know, I think I just thought it was cool."

"Oh. Well, yeah. It fucking kicks ass," he said. And he was right. The Sea of Spiders was probably the coolest thing ever.