My Chia Pet has proven to be the most difficult of all pets I've ever had to take care of. Its unrelenting taste for fresh water is second only to its unbelievable desire to taunt me in my sleep. It crawls into my mind, and spreads its Chia Seeds on my figurative brain-grooves and vomits Chia Acid onto the seeds, allowing them to grow in 2 to 3 days time.
I called the company that makes Chia Pets, and they've done nothing for me thus far except offer me a complimentary Clapper. I'm thinking to myself "Fuck, I got mind-sprouts and you're offering me a box that lets old people turn off the TV?" But theennnn after meditating for a while on this matter (in my ancient pyramid in the back yard) I was, like, "Maybe I should just take the Clapper."
Well, I call back, but, of course (because this always happens to me) Chia International has been purchased by that goddam Billy Mays. And he answers the phone.
"Billy, I need the Clapper."
"What I've got for you, instead, is the all new TurboGoop 8000! Watch as it makes this life-sized replica of the Titanic...disappear!"
"I can't see shit, Billy. We're on the phone."
I hung up.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
0 comments:
Post a Comment