The Internet: It's Something

Thanks to the internet, you can do a lot of things that you used to have to do in the real world. Writing letters, meeting creeps and even renting the latest Angela Lansbury film are things that are more commonly done on the internet than in real life now. Hell, I just took a piss online, last night. I'm never using my real life toilet again.

I don't know the purpose of writing this. I guess I wanted an excuse to talk about pissing online.

Post-Xubermonica Thoughts

The hell with Christmas and its overcommercialization. And Hanakuh, with the name that i cannot pronounce or spell correctly, is too long for someone as impatient as myself. Kwanzaa? That name always reminds me of a type of bread. "Hey, Jimmy, slice me off some of that Kwanzaa! I want to put some jam on it."

Anyways, I had my own Holiday Season celebration this year. Xubermonica. Its pretty awesome. First of all, just look at the awesome name! I created it, rather cleverly, by taking the letter "x" (which is a pretty rad name) and sticking it on "super", while getting rid of that passe "s". THEN I took the word "harmonica", sliced off the front half, and stuck it onto "Xuber."

XUBERMONICA.

Anyways, Xubermonica is celebrated in just one hour, making it pretty nice for those of us who can't be bothered for a day long celebration. And celebrating it is a snap! You dont need gifts. Or cookies. Or alcohol. Or Kwanzaa bread. You just need to wear a hat. You've got a hat, right? Any hat will do. Wear a hat, and read a magazine. Thats it! Thats all there is to it.

I did, this year. It was the most fun I've ever had.

My Time With Magic

I, being the curious cat that I am, was thinking about zombies the other day. See, if zombies were living humans who died and came back to life again, albeit rotting and stuff, does this mean that plants could die and then come back as zombie plants?

To test this hypothisis, I killed my Mom's flowers (sorry, Mom) by not watering them for a few days. Next, I went down to Necromonimart and picked up some old books on spellcraft. They were pricey, but I kinda assumed they would be. I got home, looked up the ingredients, and then bought those too. I didnt need too much. Just some "Throat of Ape" and a few "Dark Berries of the Frozen Wasteland of Noarut'hexz." I found them.

So, I started messing around with the spell. I'm not fluent in pure evil, so it took a little bit of work to get the spell right. There were a few miscastings. People died. One of the 50 states melted into the earth (sorry, Wyoming). But finally I got it right, and my dead flowers started to rise from their dry soil. They were still crispy and dry, but they were standing nonetheless.

I stared at them for a few minutes. They stood there, motionless. Much like they did when they were alive. I was deepily unsatisfied.

Anyways: I'm selling a few spell books. Interested?

The Sweetest Bear Who Ever Lived

I got my hair cut last night. By a bear! She did a pretty terrible job, but I think thats because her cubs were sitting down in some chairs, but positioned so that I was in between them and the mother bear, my...hair cutter/beautician (what do we call these people, nowadays?).

Anyways, the hair cut is finished, and looking like shit, and she asks me if I like it. I have to be honest.

"It's not great."
"Well, can I fix it?"
"No, I dont think so. I think its best if we just let it go for now. See what happens when it grows out."
"I feel bad," she admitted. "Is there anything I can do to make up for it?"
"Actually..."

So, basically, thats how I ended up riding a bear to work today.

Inside a Whale

Today, I'm writing from inside of a whale. The events that led up to my being swallowed are surprisingly unimportant. What actually is important is that I'm here now and I somehow have access to the internet. The whale has wi-fi, I guess. Whale-fi? I just ordered a sweater a few minutes ago from Sears. I hope that I get out eventually so I can enjoy wearing it. Its teal.

In other news, I'm sorry Dad, but I don't think you're going to want your boat back.

Blog Entry

"So what do you think of this, so far?" I asked.
"Think of what?" she replied.
"What do you think of this blog entry so far?"
"I'm sorry," she said, with a tone of confusion, "I'm not sure which blog entry you're referring to right now."
"Oh, the one I'm writing right now."
"But, you're not writing a blog entry right now. You're not writing anything in fact."
"Well, yes and no. See, I'm recording this conversation. And later I'll be typing it out into my blog and it will be posted verbatim. Essentially, I'm writing my blog entry. Right now. And guess what?"
"What?"
"You're in it!"
"I guess I am."
"So then," I said with more confidence now, "what do you think of this blog entry?"
"I guess its pretty good," she replied.
"You know," I thought aloud, "it is kind of meta."
"Is it?"
"I think."
"I could never tell when something was meta or not," she said.
"I'm pretty sure this is meta."
"Wait," she said suddenly. "Is it meta now? Or meta once you actually write it into the blog?"
"Well...I guess...now. Because this IS the blog entry. Just in spoken word form, you know?"
"I'm not sure though. Because its not in your actual blog yet."
"Thats a pretty good point."
"So when does this blog entry end?"
"Now is as good as any other time," I send, thus concluding the entry.

List Metahumor Caravan

Top Five Lists I want to Make Before the End of the Year

1. The Top 10 Lunches I had All Year
2. The Top 7 Fighting Tournaments I Entered
3. The Top 13 Visits to the Hospital Immediatly Following a Fighting Tournament
4. The Top 2 Reasons to Wear a Cursed Viking Helmet
5. The Top 900 Lists of the Year

Apple Talk

I wasn't sure what to write about, so I'm going to write about the apple I am currently eating. To start with, this is a red apple, not a yellow green, orange or pink apple (there's a lot of different colored apples out there if you look closely, fyi). Its a Macoun apple, and I had never heard of them before, either, until I went to the grocery store yesterday and they were on sale.

Its skin is pretty fragile, as evidenced by the fact that there is a puncture in the side of it. I dont know what caused it, so I'm just going to go ahead and eat around it. I wouldn't want to take a bite there if was a syringe or bloody toe-nail stuck into that section of apple, ya know?

The taste of this apple is sweet. Very sweet. Not quite tart though. It walks this line like "I'm not quite tart, but I'm almost a little too sweet." Kind of like the ideal escort, am I right, boys? (Please note that this blog does not condone the use of escorts)

Its a pretty good sized apple, too. Like the size of a softball, or the head of a man who had his head shrunk by a witch doctor (I'm assuming this).

All in all, I'd give this apple an 8/10.