Paradox Party

The dinner party wasn't very fun at all, I have to say. I had really high expectations for it, too. I had even gone to the thrift store to buy some new pants just for this occassion. How could something so promising go so wrong?

Well, first of all, I hadn't purchased just any pair of pants. I accidently baught some of those "time pants" that were all the rage back in the late 80s. You know the ones, right? You'd wear them and set the dial, and suddenly be blasted into the future or the past. Well I didn't realize this while I was at the party. Then, suddenly, when the main course was served, I was appalled to see that they were serving ME as dinner! But not just me, it was me from the future.

"How did I get to be dinner?" I asked.
"Uh oh," another guest said in a sarcastic tone. "Looks like someone got themself in a paradox."

I hate dinner parties.
But I do think that the me from the future tastes pretty good with a little bit of black pepper.

A History of My Lives with Wives

• The sweet and endearing Muffinface was my first true-love, and we married quite young. 12 years old, actually. I'd like to think that if she hadn't entered that rap battle with Lil Pork that she might still be alive today. Sadly, no 12 year old can take that many ill rhymes and live.
• When I was 19 I finally met someone that I felt I could love, again. Her name was Razor Girl. Yes, she was a super villain. But I often felt that super villains are very misunderstood in our culture. Much like a child or a adulterous state senator, villains are only acting out for attention. They need love, just like you or me. I think Razor Girl was able to see that I wanted to offer her the love she needed, and thats why we hit it off so well. I'd make her spaghetti dinners and take her to the library to read arts and crafts books. She'd take me to Dr. Battleaxe's Antarctic Stronghold and let me use her Razor Beam. But, the life of a super villain is a tough one. The Heroes of Goodness cornered her during a botched robbery attempt, and she was killed by The Spear. Of course, this caused me to go temporarily insane and I became a vengeful villain myself. As Death Machine, I raged through the city, looking for the heroes that had taken the life of the one I love. But when I finally had The Spear in a position where I could kill him, he talked me down. He asked me to reconsider and to think about his position as a hero and the people that depended on him. I relented and gave up my alter-ego. I still hold out hope that eventually Razor Girl will come back to me. Maybe in issue #200?
• Blobina was kind of a strange wife in that she might not have been a girl at all. Or a boy, for that matter. Blobina was an overgrown amoeba. Mind you, a very sexy amoeba. The marriage was short lived though, as she later split into our twin children. And they later split into our grandchildren. And so on and so on. I probably have 1.52 million great great great great great great great great great (and so on and so on) grandchildren. Christmas shopping is such a pain.
• I was briefly married to a clone of myself wearing a blonde wig. It was awkward and we split soon after. My clone is currently filming a documentary about competitive cake frosting.

Album Art Theater, Vol. 1: The Michelle Tanner Experience

Up until this point, Teen Hang Out has never used any sort of image or graphic within the blog entries. This changes today in a series called "Album Art Theater," where I show off some mock-album art that I've been making in my spare time for bands that either don't exist or exist only in the deep recessions of my brain.

Our series begins with the proto-prog band The Michelle Tanner Experience. The origins of this band are pretty mysterious, though there is a recurring Full House theme present. I present to you now their first three albums:

How my Magic Mentor Died for a Second Time

I know, I know. I swore that I would never re-animate the body of my long deceased wizard mentor, Aborah the Strange, but I had a coupon for Barnes and Nobles and they had this fab magic book that I just had to get!

So, yeah, it was a terrible idea. I mean, my heart was certainly in the right place. I just wanted Aborah to have a little more time on Earth. There were so many things that he (or she, I was never sure) never got to experience. The internet, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Micro Machines, energy drinks, teenage vampires...

My magical ability has never been very strong. This is no fault of Aborah's, though, as he was a very good teacher. I was just a bad student.

"Make sure you study your magics," he'd say to me.
"Yeah, sure," I'd say. But you better believe that as soon as I got home, I got out my Days of Our Lives action figures and got back to work on re-enacting my favorite scenes.

The spell for re-animation called for a sprig of rosemary. Did I have any rosemary? No. I had some, sure, but I had used it to season my porpoise dinner that I had a few nights earlier. What I needed was a substitution. But what the hell do you substitute for rosemary? I had no clue. All I could think of was that rosemary did look kind of...pine-like? I rushed outside and grabbed a sprig of spruce and rushed back to my cauldron.

Well, sure enough the spell did work. Just not how it should've. Turns out that in the world of spellcasting, there is a HUGE difference between rosemary and spruce. Aborah had returned, but not in his human form, but rather as a magic-using mentally retarded river otter.

Mom, by the way, if you are reading this I'd like to take a moment to explain that this should explain how your antique flower vase got broken.

I battled Aborah-Otter for all of 10 minutes in the living room. It was a disaster. Fireballs, magic missiles, lightning bolts...man, it was intense. But then I just pulled out my trusty six-shooter and shot him. That was it.

Coma Commander

Too many Corn Pops, and not enough milk. Thats what my doctor says caused me to black out and go into a coma. I'm not a scientist, so I couldn't even begin to understand how it was possible. Regardless, I'll never make that mistake again.

I don't know what its like for the rest of you when you're coma-ing it up, but for me, I found myself in a dream-like realm where everything looked like an untalented art-school student's rendition of a cubist painting. Also, I discovered that the Comadreamland version of me was very proficient at using throwing axes, something that I was not very good at in my conscious reality.

I grew bored of this new world very quickly. I missed my everyday life. The walks to the abandoned shoe factory. My daily cup of red milk. Catching up on episodes of "Everyone Loves Love." This place was a drag.

Finally, my moment of reckoning came. The giant crayon-drawn bird, Crayoloc, came down from the poorly rendered sky and offered me my freedom. I gladly accepted. There was one condition.

I had to blog. Forever.

Now Starting: Season 2

After a hiatus, Teen Hang Out Season 2 begins.

Pardon the Temporary Lull

As our author/blogger-phenom finishes some other projects, this blog is taking a little tiny vacation. This certainly is not the end of the updates. As soon as next week there may be some new content. Thanks for continuing to let your eyes stare at the same computer screen as the one where this blog is being displayed. I love you. Well, most of you. Sorry, Admiral Fishface, I hate your guts. And I swear that one day I will kill you.